#+ physical manifestations of my ptsd

[carefulfears]

gonna try to get a post on diana + some message answers up today but we might be rolling with some quicker replies for awhile just so i can stay caught up <3 thanks for all the support as always ily

[halo--hall]

can't decide if the headache i have had for days is a gum thing or a sinus thing or both but it's pairing really well with the shoulder pain i've had for weeks lmao. mystery chronic illness is awesome

[deacf-coffee-is-a-sin]

“Fier. What’s your favorite flower?”

Of all the responses he had expected, that was not one of them, and Fier raised his hands from his eyes, shot a puzzled frown at Petra’s silhouette. As promised, Petra was not looking at him and spoke instead to the ceiling.

When Fier said nothing, Petra continued, his voice just as soft as before. “I think people pick their favorite flowers for how they look or how they smell or how easy they are to take care of. Some people only want to look at them, some people want to plant them, and some people want to trim them and take them home. People love differently, for different reasons and in different ways. You don’t have to want flowers in the same way other people want them. There’s nothing wrong with you, Fier. You know that, don’t you? There’s nothing wrong with you.”

More than Enough by Elizabeth Wambheim

There's so many good quotes in this book but this was the 1st that just completely broke me lmaoo.

[valtsv]

battled and slew the physical manifestation of my trauma with a sword and now i'm not paralysed by the fear and loathing instilled in me by my negative experiences during childhood anymore but i do have PTSD about killing things with swords

[doumadono]

Warnings: intermittent explosive disorder (IED), mentions of PTSD, a lot of angst, Bakugo dealing with impulsive anger outbursts, Bakugo being mean, aged-up Bakugo, pro hero Dynamight

A/N: yesterday, while chatting with my partner about Bakugo, a thought struck me (though it's just a personal theory, subject to disagreement) - Bakugo might exhibit signs of intermittent explosive disorder. His frequent bouts of anger, his brusque and often unkind demeanor, and occasional lack of control over his temper could be indicative of this. These headcanons delves into Bakugo's life as the second-ranked pro hero, Dynamight, as he grapples with the aftermath of the war

MY HERO ACADEMIA MASTERLIST

You meet Bakugo when he's the second-ranked pro hero, right after Deku. You're drawn to his charisma, confident personality, and the way he becomes protective of you.

Unfortunately, over time, you start to notice a lot of things that are just not right. His temper is extremely short, and he can explode with anger no matter what happens. It could be something he dislikes or someone doing something he doesn't approve of, and it immediately triggers a massive rage outburst. This can lead to him losing control of his own quirk, resulting in him destroying things.

After a routine checkup, the doctor suggests taking some tests, and the results are devastating: Bakugo is diagnosed with intermittent explosive disorder.

Naturally, this news infuriates him, and when he returns to your shared flat, he destroys his own little office in a fit of rage.

Bakugo's intermittent explosive disorder makes it difficult for him to control his anger, and he will often lash out in violent outbursts.

Bakugo's intermittent explosive disorder manifests in unpredictable outbursts of anger and aggression, often triggered by seemingly minor frustrations or perceived slights. His explosions can range from verbal tirades to physical violence, leaving destruction in their wake.

During his outbursts, Bakugo lashes out verbally and physically, unaware of the damage he inflicts on those around him.

Despite his efforts to control it, Bakugo's explosive temper often alienates him from his friends and loved ones.

His relationships with people he considered colleagues or sometimes friends become strained as they struggle to understand and cope with his unpredictable behavior anymore.

You're often the target of his outbursts but refuses to give up on him, believing that beneath his volatile exterior lies a wounded soul in need of understanding and support.

Even Mitsuki tries to intervene. "Honey, you need help. This isn't healthy for you or anyone around you! We're here for you, son. We want to help you get through this."

But of course Katsuki declines. "I don't need your help! I can handle this on my own!"

Bakugo's disorder takes a toll on your relationship, testing the limits of your love and patience. There are moments when you feel helpless and overwhelmed, questioning whether you can handle the emotional rollercoaster of being with him.

You learn to recognize the signs of an impending outburst and try to diffuse the situation before it escalates, using gentle words and gestures of affection to calm him down.

Bakugo's disorder has left him feeling like a monster, like a beast that's been unleashed upon the world with no hope of redemption. He's consumed by guilt and self-loathing, convinced that he's unworthy of love or forgiveness.

Deep down, Bakugo is aware of his condition and the pain he causes, but his overwhelming anger blinds him to the consequences of his actions.

Bakugo's disorder causes him to push you away frequently, convinced that he's too dangerous to be around. He believes that he's protecting you by keeping his distance, even though it breaks his heart to do so.

Bakugo's disorder becomes a constant source of tension between the two of you, with every interaction tinged with the fear of setting him off.

Finally, after months of suggesting and almost begging, Bakugo agrees to try something new and allows you to take him to a psychiatrist. The doctor prescribes him Fluoxetine, and after some time of taking the medication, his rage and anger outbursts become smaller and less frequent.

You don't just leave it there. You suggest he should think about therapy, and after some reluctance, he agrees.

After attending several sessions, you both discover that Bakugo's disorder is linked to PTSD he developed post-war and after being dead for a while. Suddenly, everything becomes clear, and you not only understand your boyfriend better but also know how to help him effectively. Hearing about his traumatic experiences brings tears to your eyes, and you cry a river upon realizing the extent of his suffering.

Over time, and with the combined efforts of you, his parents, and his friends, Katsuki starts to make progress in managing his disorders and becomes a bit calmer with his emotions. Of course, everyone remains super careful not to do anything that might set him off.

Being Dynamight's partner is tough, and you know it better than anyone. But despite the challenges, you're not about to leave him. He's the love of your life after all, with all his strengths and weaknesses.

[ohtobeleah]

Day Twenty Two [Do Not Look Away]

Summary: After the events of Bruises, Bradley comes face to face with his new reality. You’re experiencing a physical manifestation of PTSD and Jake’s still in a coma.

Warnings: Jake Seresin x F!reader. Mentions of death. Mentions of Sexual assault/rape. Mentions of torture/violence. Bad medical portrayals. PTSD induced psychosis

Word Count: 2.7k

Whumptober Prompt Day Twenty-Two: Forced (to kneel/watch/hurt somebody else), whipped, “Do not look away.”

Author Note: Please make sure you read the warnings provided. Disclaimer: I do not condone nor endorse the actions that are written about during the month of October. These works of fiction are just that, fiction and should be treated as such. Thank you to @ailesswhumptober for this year's prompt list.

Whumptober Masterlist | Main Masterlist | Bruises Masterlist

In a recent experiment, scientists observed that single human cells in a petri dish will seek each other out…and adhere to each other to form new connections. When cells team up, they become stronger. They thrive and evolve and eventually become something that their single selves ever could have been alone. 

“I don’t want to pry,” Bradley’s voice broke through the deafening silence that lingered between the two of you as you sat at Jake’s beside. The only other sounds that filtered through were the humming of life-saving machines and the incessant beeping of medical equipment. “I can’t even begin to relate to what you’ve both been through,” Bradley continued as you looked over to where he was standing. Right at the foot of Jake’s hospital bed.

You spent more time at Jake’s side than you did in your own hospital room. It often got you in trouble. There was even one particular time when you were still in a wheelchair, where you’d decided to take yourself down the hall to see him. It didn’t go over very well with the orderlies. Your team of doctors and nurses alike were furious with you. But they understood the burning desire to be with the one you loved. They understood and could recognise the early stages of post-traumatic stress disorder. They could see the signs of codependency. 

They could see that you were more at ease by Jake Seresin’s side than you were by yourself. Once your primary doctor had signed off on it, you were essentially treated at Jake’s bedside permanently. Screw hospital policies and politics. 

Rooster’s hands gripped the railing at the end of the bed with such a force you thought his grip alone might crumple the metal. But it never wavered. The metal held strong under the pressure Bradley was putting it under. Much like Jake who never gave up on you. 

“But–” Bradley paused one final time before the question left his mouth forever. Once he asked he couldn’t take back such a charged question. “Was there ever a moment where you wished–” He didn’t have to finish his sentence for you to know what he was asking. 

“Every day,” You interrupted as you sat perched in the world’s most unsupportive, uncomfortable hospital chair known to man. “I prayed for death more than I prayed to be rescued, Rooster.” You knew Bradley was prepared to hear you say that, he wouldn’t have bothered to ask if he didn’t already believe to some extent that you would have prayed for the sweet release of death. “But Jake kept me going even when I wanted to die.”

“I–” Even though Bradley knew that answer was coming, it didn’t make it any easier to hear. “I’m so sorry, Y/n,” Bradley sighed as he shook his head in disbelief. “It should have been me.” 

“I wouldn’t wish any of this on my worst enemy, Bradshaw,” You replied as you shivered in the cool of Jake’s bleak hospital room. Rooster saw and quickly made his way over to where spare blankets and pillows were thrown haphazardly. They sat crumpled in a pile on a forgotten chair never used by the neverending list of visitors that cycled through. 

“Oh, you don’t have to do that.” You tried to tell Bradley as he collected a spare blanket. “Rooster–” 

“You know, I remember not long before the mission rolled around,” Rooster explained as he placed the blanket over you. Covering your legs enough to maintain some warmth. “Jake got obliterated one night at the Hard Deck, so much so that Penny actually got a few of us to just drag him out to the front deck by his ankles.” 

You couldn’t help but to chuckle. You were mourning the loss of the version of Jake Seresin you hardly got to know before the mission. But you would have liked to bear witness to some more of his antics. However, you had tried your best to stay clear when you didn’t need to be in his direct vicinity. 

“Sounds like something he’d do.” You smiled softly all the while you looked over your shoulder to where Jake lay still heavily sedated and comatosed. “I miss him so much.” 

“I drove him home that night,” Bradley continued on as he made sure you were warmer than you had been moments before. “He was rambling about some woman, you know, in between when he had his head out the window of the Bronco pealing the paint off with his bile.” 

Again you couldn’t help but to laugh, this time with more intention. Bradley could see it in your eyes though, you wished Jake was awake to laugh at his own stupidity with you. 

“He told me about this woman, how he couldn’t stand her,” Rooster explained as a frown plastered itself across your face. “He couldn’t stand anything about her really, from her smile to the way she laughed without fear of ridicule to the way she just knew how to call him on bullshit before anyone else could,” 

“Why are you telling me this?” You asked with a tone laced with something you didn’t recognise. Rooster knew exactly what it was though. It was jealousy. It was the all-consuming green goblin called jealousy. Who was this other woman Jake was talking about in his drunken rambling and why was she on his mind? 

“He even hated the way she ate her food, with purpose and intention.” Bradley laughed to himself as he looked down at where Jake was lying unresponsive in his hospital bed. “Mother fucker had hate confused with love though.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“He loves everything about you Hollywood,” Bradley sighed as he tried to keep the tears in his eyes from welling too much. It wasn’t his time to cry. No. For you, he had to be strong. “I can remember giving him so much shit for it, he was droning on about how he hated the way you always beat him at his own game.” You could feel the heat in your cheeks rising as Rooster crouched down before you. His hands were gentle atop your blanket-covered knees. “Han–Jake, loved you before he even knew he loved you.” 

“What if he doesn’t wake up, Roo?” tears rolled down your face through a pained smile. It was nice to know Jake truly did love you before he saw hell’s most horrible torture performed against you. But it made the fact he wasn’t awake so much harder to handle. “What if he–”

“He will,” Bradley replied as he reached up to wipe the stray tears streaming down your cheeks. “He wouldn’t leave you behind, not after everything you’ve been through, alright?” Rooster wanted confirmation from you. He wanted you to nod. He wanted to see that you were listening to what he was actually saying. “He loves you too much to leave you now, he wouldn’t do that to you, not after fighting every day to keep you two alive.” 

“I wanna be able to tell him that I love him too,” You sobbed in your chair all the while Bradley did his best to comfort you. He looked up at your own monitor. The one that told all the doctors and nurses what your heart was doing. What your stats were. You were still hooked up to IV fluids. “I just wanna hear his voice again.” 

Bradley let the silence linger for a moment as he stood. He couldn’t deny how tired you looked. How weak your movement pattern was. He saw the exhaustion written in between the lines on your face. You needed to rest. You needed to sleep. But getting you to agree to head back to bed even just for an hour would be a battle Rooster wasn’t sure he’d win. 

But you were the woman Jake Seresin loved. A title Bradley would never have but would envy from a viewpoint just shy of the front row. He would forever force himself to watch the man he loved love another human with all the fire and grace he had to offer. Bradley swore that he’d never look away from the gift he’d been given. The gift of witnessing his best friend fall in love. Get married. Have children perhaps. He wanted to be right there in the thick of it. 

So he needed to be your person, even just for a little while. For Jake. For Hangman. For the sandy blonde with the emerald eyes across the bar. For the aviator who knew how to get on his last nerve. For the man who’d risked his life to save his. For the best friend, he never realised he’d lost and subsequently found again. 

“I want you to know I suggest this with so much respect,” Bradley sighed. He tensed a little as if he was bracing for impact. “But I reckon Jake would want me to tell you to get some rest.” 

You listened to what Bradley was saying. His words were something comforting amidst all the pain and suffering you’d endured. He was, if anything, a good friend. You knew that Jake would never truly regret his decision to put his life on the line to save his wingman. But it would be a decision that haunted him every night. Every morning. Every second that passed him by where he had to live in a world where he’d seen you experience the worst of what humanity had to offer. 

And you understood why he was telling you to get some rest. But you couldn’t sleep when your mind would get stuck on a loop. Replaying all the hurt. The pain. The suffering. All in HD while your body tried to recover. 

The mind is dark, wonderful and weird. But the last thing you wanted was your subconscious at the helm. 

“No.” It was a complete sentence. No follow up required. But Rooster thought otherwise. 

“Uh, I really think you should just get maybe like, a solid half an hour at the minimum?” Bradley replied as he stood with his hands resting slightly cunty on his hips. “Jake would–” Before Rooster got the chance to finish, you deadpanned him. His blood ran cold when you glared his way. A look he never wanted to be on the receiving end of ever again. 

“They made Jake watch a lot of things happen to me,” Bradley had no idea where you were going with this. But he chose to listen regardless. “They made him watch them rape me, over and over again.” You paused just to listen to Jake’s heart rate monitor. The rhythmic beeping soothed your troubled heart in a way you felt ungrateful to experience. Sure Jake was in the hospital after being held as a prisoner of war…but at least he was alive. 

“They forced him to watch every time, and said it was always his fault.” Bradley’s heart sank at the thought of having to go through that, let alone watch it unfold. The levels of physical and psychological torture you were describing were almost unbearable to listen to. But for you, he would. “But he never gave them what they wanted. Jake never gave up on me even when he could have.” 

“Y/n–” Again Bradley tried to speak. But you kept talking over him. Just trying to get your point across. 

“They forced him to hurt me, they used him against me in ways I wish I could describe to you right now,” You began to shake your head as your tears ricocheted down your heated cheeks. “‘Don’t look away. Don’t look away Seresin’–on goddamn repeat, while I was cut and used and beaten until I could barely breathe and without fail after everything was said and done he was still there.” Bradley could very much see you unraveling right before him. He didn’t recognise the look in your eye. He chose to take a few cautious steps back towards the door, giving you some space and himself some distance. 

“He was there for me to crawl home to even when I couldn’t see,” Your voice softened as you looked over at Jake. Bradley saw it, the moment your eyes caught the rise and fall of Jakes chest. God, it broke his heart. All of this did. 

“So no–” You hissed. “I will not be leaving his side and I will not sleep until I get to tell him that I love him and not until I get to see him wake up,” You explained for the last time. You were sick and tired of people telling you to rest. To sleep. To take care of yourself. They didn’t know what you had been through. They didn’t understand what you were going through. They didn’t understand what it was like to witness torture, to experience hell day in and day out. “Do you understand?”   

Bradley didn’t respond right away. He simply looked at you with a look you didn’t want to be on the receiving end of. One of sympathy. One of pity. So you snapped. “I said DO YOU UNDERSTAND!?” Your voice echoed down the hall as Rooster backed away even more. He placed his hands where you could see him as if he wanted you to know he wasn’t there to hurt you. 

“Hollywood, take it easy.” Rooster cooed. “It’s me, Rooster.” 

“Get me out of here!” You screamed all the while clawing at the wires and tubes attached to various parts of you. Your arms, chest, stomach. “Let me go!” 

“NURSE!” Bradley called down the hall towards the nurse’s station. He turned his back for five seconds only to turn around to witness you trying to pull the vent from Jake’s throat. The one helping him to breathe. The life-saving piece of equipment you were now messing with. “Fuck! Y/n!” 

“I’ve got you,” You cried as you tried to save Jake. Not understanding you were in the middle of a panic attack mixed with exhaustion. “I’ll save you, I’m here.” 

“Hollywood!” Rooster wrapped his arms around your torso from behind. “Stop it, you’re in the hospital!” 

“Let go of me!” You cried out as a handful of nurses approached Jake’s room. They saw the look of utter shock plastered across Bradley’s face. “LET ME GO!” You shouted again as you violently kicked and thrashed against Rooster as your feet left the ground. 

“I don’t know what I said to set her off like this?” Explaining himself to the nurses, Bradley held you tight as you fought against him. 

“JAKE!!!” You cried out in unimaginable terror. 

“She’s having an attack again,” One of the nurses explained as she jabbed you with a sedative. “Anything will trigger her right now.” 

Bradley listened to your screams get weaker as your body grew heavier in his embrace. He knew you were gone the second your head lulled to the side. 

“She’s in a bad way, they both are.” Rooster groaned in frustration. Not at you or Jake, but at the situation as a whole. “Someone needs to be held responsible for all of this.” 

“I’m just the night nurse, Lieutenant Bradshaw,” One of the nurses replied much to Roosters’ shock. He was venting more so than looking for a response. “But if I were gonna start somewhere, I’d start with having a conversation with her father.” 

Rooster took that note onboard as he carried you back down the hall towards where your empty hospital bed was. A room just as bleak as Jake’s. 

“I got you alright?” Bradley sighed as he laid you down, taking notice of how at peace you looked. So content. So…Sedated. “I’ve got you and I’ve got Jake.” As the nurses followed him in to fix up your machines and copious wires, Rooster took a moment to sit in his torture. Reminding himself of the promise he’d made. “Always.” 

We are an extension of our cells. Just like them, we are programmed to find others…to reach out to one another and find nourishment and love. Much like our cells, we’re not meant to be alone. So once we find each other…

We try our best to hold onto what we’ve got. Even after horrific petri dish experiments.

***************************

[olivianyx]

A FEW UPDATES ON MY JOURNEY 🎀

Sooooo there's still more I've manifested!

🎀 money, money, money, must be funny in a rich mans world~ lmaoo just more and more money everyday!

🎀 I stopped listening to subliminals for a while and I saw major results like my hair growing over an inch, my lashes getting longer and prettier, my weight going down, and I grew an inch again y'all 😭 I'm 173cm rn 😩 I wanna be tall as my boyfriend gojo hehe 🦋🦋 but not exactly tall as him but a lil shorter lol then I can't wear heels 😭 or my boy be looking like my son instead of my bf lmaoo

🎀 minimalist skincare products!

🎀 my skin tone lightening up a bit 🍃 like I didn't notice it until my family members and peers complimented me.

🎀 my grades going high again!

🎀 okay this one's a bit personal, but lemme get this straight. I mentioned in my last success story post that I got closer to crush... When in fact I wasn't even in love with her 😭 that was just admiration, not love. I realised my worth, and I stopped putting efforts, now the ship has sunk. She isn't bothered anymore, and me too since I was the only one obsessed. No offence but she wasn't worth my time. So I decided to spend it on satoru instead 🎀🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍

🎀 my parents becoming more lenient nowadays 🙌

🎀 I've been getting more free foods and snacks! People love to hang out more with me! 🤍

🎀 my singing skills improving! I wanted to sound like lana, it's not exactly like hers but I'm getting there!

🎀 there's still more I'm just lazy to type lol

MY RESPAWN JOURNEY

So I haven't yet respawned yet since I'm too attached to this reality. I'm still scripting a custom dr that I wanna respawn and also my jjk dr too. So when I finish (idk myself when I'm gonna finish lol) I will surely respawn.

But don't worry! This account will be run by another consciousness that I replace. I know I manifested stuffs here, I enjoy and all, but deep deep down I realised that I never wanna be here. I belong to the lands somewhere far away, not in this city 😭 I'm just too attached to this reality that's making me feel guilty to leave.

I'm working on it tho. I mean I deserve everything, why would I feel guilty for having what I want, right? I've encountered the worst traumas and situations here, yet something inside me is telling me not to leave this reality, while also feeling that I don't deserve to be here, and somewhere better where I have everything I want.

I remember bawling my eyes out cus I don't wanna be here anymore, yet feeling guilty to leave. Everyone has a journey, so do I. I know this ain't gonna be longer and ik it's already done, I'll respawn once my script is done. Keeping this in my mind, I'm spending my last few days here being happy and I'm doing everything I want so I don't feel something irrelevant while I leave. I wanna leave this place in peace.

With that being said, y'all deserve everything too! Don't hold yourself back, sometimes the ego holds us back, but don't let it take control and keep going! You're the God of your reality. So why not take that chance and stop being lazy? I mean it's the life of your dreams and some of y'all aren't even putting 0.000000001% effort? It's not the physical effort but the mental work, everything is the mental work and you don't even need to lift a finger. I mean it's not that hard focusing on your 4d. I agree for some people that have mental health issues like adhd, aphantasia, anxiety, and all. Even I had them too! I had avpd, anxiety, low self esteem, depression, maladaptive daydreaming, and ptsd, but still I did it while staying with a toxic narcissistic family that cares only about themselves! They who were constantly nagging me every 5 mins, now are quiet and unbothered. Why? Because I changed the version of me who was thinking that they were toxic, and I assumed they were lenient, and now they are. Honey, it's not hard at all. You're making it hard for yourself. So just stop with the bullshit and go live your dream life!

- Olivia 🎀

[vintage-fuzz]

Some of my Ford Pines Thoughts/Headcanons:

- I personally perceive him as neurodivergent to some extent, if I were give him a specific label, I would be inclined to say that he’s possibly autistic.

- Absolutely has a kill count & is not proud of it. Only occasionally brings this up around Stanley & Fiddleford.

- Was initially in denial of but ultimately comes to realize the extent of how messed up his childhood was, especially regarding Filbrick’s mistreatment of him & Stanley. Eventually he confides in Stan, who later comes to the same realization.

- Like Stan, he is deeply traumatized & likely has PTSD. He doesn’t really come to terms with this, however, until after the events of the show, when, for the first time in about thirty years, he isn’t living on “fight or flight” mode. His symptoms primarily manifest in bouts of insomnia & paranoia. He & Stan seek out counseling at some point.

- Shortly after Stan was kicked out Ford sobbed viscerally out of both anger at Stan & grief in losing him, with this being one of the few instances of him crying in his life.

- Was extremely lonely & depressed in the time between Stanley’s departure & his first day at university due to Stan being his only genuine friend prior to meeting Fiddleford.

- Has like zero innate fashion sense, got his entire wardrobe inspiration from Carl Sagan.

- Is a virgin up into his sixties. However, he did get close to losing his virginity once in college with Fiddleford, but they were both too awkward & inexperienced to actually go through with it. (I’m open to this being negated though, I could see Ford getting up to some stuff while traveling between dimensions.)

- In college he would pull all-nighters, staying up as late as humanly possible studying while Fiddleford, being accustomed to rising early, would either inadvertently awaken him or find him studying half-asleep hours before classes started, much to his chagrin. This dynamic is swapped when Fiddleford comes to Gravity Falls to research with Ford.

- Has developed a subconscious habit of concealing his hands when around others, particularly when around strangers. Tends to either hide them behind his back or in his pockets.

- Is a very skilled pianist but seldom plays the piano. Starts playing it more when at Fiddleford’s mansion, sometimes even resulting in them having duets.

- Has nerve damage as well as extensive scarring & burn marks that litter his body. (He should probably go to a doctor too…)

- Is always chiding Stan & Fiddleford about maintaining their physical health, especially in response to their tobacco usage, yet is habitually neglectful of his own health & hygiene.

- Incapable of driving anywhere both during his research period (car was destroyed) & when he returns to Gravity Falls (expired license & technically doesn’t legally exist). Either walks everywhere (which he enjoys, especially when taking scenic walks in the woods w/ Stan & Fiddleford) or, if necessary, is driven around by Stanley (dreads riding w/ Stan & constantly chastises him for his reckless driving, is the living embodiment of a backseat driver).

- Always sleeps on the top bunk of his & Stan’s bunkbed, both as a child & while at sea on the Stan o’ War II. Seldom does he actually climb down from the bed however, instead opting to jump down from the top bunk in the most overly-dramatic fashion possible, much to Stan’s chagrin.

- Despite being raised Jewish (most likely either Conservative or Reform Jewish) he is not religiously affiliated in adulthood & began distancing himself from Judaism shortly after attending university. Has friendly religious debates/existential discussions w/ Fiddleford, who is deeply connected to his faith in Christianity. Despite that, they respect one another’s beliefs & like being able to hear an alternative perspective.

- Although Ford & Stan were never required to adhere to a kosher diet, they were still somewhat discouraged from eating pork specifically & were never served it at home. The first time Ford tries it is when Fiddleford shares some with him some in college, which he ends up loving.

- Has recurring nightmares about Bill, the most distressing of which are not the ones involving him being tortured or physically abused but the ones that are most reminiscent of when he still had a friendly relationship with Bill, with those dreams feeling pleasant, recapturing how Bill made him feel when initially inside his mind.

- Tries his hardest to assist Stanley & Fiddleford with their memory loss & any other longterm damage from use of the memory gun. Actively encourages them to utilize memory exercises & prioritize their physical & cognitive health.

- Mutters to himself under his breath a lot, thinks no one can hear him. Prone to this whenever flustered.

- Refuses to openly admit it but had a serious celebrity crush on Nikola Tesla & later Carl Sagan. Tried to emulate them as much as humanly possible while a teenager/young adult. Still admires them deeply.

- Had a friendly competition w/ Fiddleford in college over who could perform better academically in their shared classes. Ford typically studied harder yet consistently performed marginally worse than Fiddleford in all of their STEM classes as Ford would, on average, score ~95-99%, Fiddleford would somehow get bonus points on virtually every test & average ~105-110%. Ford never fully got over this.

[thornswoggled]

i think there is a convo to be had about how chises dragon curse - for all of its confusing mechanics - functions less as a plot point and more of a physical manifestation of the character growth chise has yet to undertake, and an unwillingness to reckon with the person she is past the roles she serves in the lives of others

chise takes this curse on when she returns to the auction house, and location is everything here. at its core, this curse is anger, hatred, fear, pain, and a deep desire to return to comfort - destructive emotions that rip apart all it touches. when chise breaks down at the sight of the frightened dragon for sale, elias tells her that those are not her emotions, that she shouldnt let them overtake her - but they are her emotions, that dragon is her, and there was never a possibility that she wouldnt follow it on its flight over london. seeing as things have "worked out" for her til now, chise hasnt yet reckoned with the gravity of what it meant to sell her life away. she hasnt reckoned with the hatred and anger and pain that she still harbors - unfortunately, moving to a quaint little english cottage does not undo a lifetime of neglect. her attempts to fix those around her, philomela being a prime example, will only get her so far. eventually she will have to look within, and i dont think shes done more than dip her toes in. "this is my past, these sad things happened to me, now things are better" is not the end of her self-reflection. now that we know the past she carries with her, what does all of that mean for her? what kind of person is she? who will she become?

im thinking too about this recurring theme of "atavism." its a key feature in tambs dragons, who are able to evolve at will to suit their needs, and yori also mentions it when noting chises appearance. atavism is the reoccurrence of dormant or ancestral traits, and you could make the argument that its also functioning metaphorically here. evolving to suit the world around you, past burdens and trauma reemerging when its unexpected or inconvenient... my thoughts on this are loose right now

theres this concept that we've been getting, too, that chises dragon curse is something temporary. arc 1 left us with the idea that her two curses must remain in balance, in perpetuity, for her to survive. but theres this new interpretation of it being something that serves her for now, but she might shed it once it fulfills its purpose

continuing with the idea of the dragon curse as a sort of... idk, ptsd metaphor, what are these two examples from ch 98 implying? that her negative emotions will serve her when it comes time? that this sort of baggage cant be exorcised away? framing the dragon curse as temporary broaches the possibility of chise one day being cured of it, but what does that mean? and should she be?

(of course, the 'future chise' we see in ch 1 doesnt have a visible left hand, but is that meant to be a literal glimpse into the future, anyway? theres also a dragon made of vines behind her in that panel, didya notice it?)

i mentioned the auction house at the beginning because i feel that if chise sheds the dragon curse, it will be in much the same way she attained it. chise has been told that she is free, she is loved, she has told her "mother" that shes moving on with her life. but all of this is just the beginning - and lets be real, i dont think elias is putting her into therapy. joseph is the only character i can think of who is truly, earnestly pushing chise toward the difficult self-reflection she needs. im excited to see what he says when she taps into her "cursed fury"

this is why im so excited that we are being told explicitly, time and again, that things are about to go really bad for chise. tamb is such a masterwork of character writing, it is so incredibly emotionally intelligent and gives so much grace and patience to its characters. i have no doubt that chises character arc is going to go in such a spectacular direction

[bbcphile]

Mysterious Lotus Casebook and Complex PTSD Representations: Part I

One of my favorite things about Mysterious Lotus Casebook is how surprisingly nuanced and unusual its portrayal of complex PTSD is. So many shows either introduce character trauma to make the character Sad and Brooding, Angry and Violent (if they’re a villain) or Hesitant to Start a Relationship (if it’s a romance), and that’s usually as in-depth as it gets. If they address the unique after effects of child abuse that lead to complex PTSD at all, it’s usually either explain why a character is a homicidal monster (which is all sorts of problematic) or it’s limited to a single phobia, which can be overcome by the Power of Love, or it’s just something that crops up occasionally for Plot and then forgotten about the rest of the time. 

Mysterious Lotus Casebook gives us two deeply traumatized characters–Li Lianhua and Di Feisheng–who each have clear symptoms of complex PTSD, and yet, their cPTSD manifests completely differently because of the types of traumas that caused it and their relationships to the people causing the traumas. And their manifestations of cPTSD affect just about every level of their being, including their sense of self, their decision-making, and their relationships with others, and it includes some of the incredibly important manifestations of cPTSD that are almost never shown in media while avoiding the most insulting stereotypes! 

PTSD vs cPTSD

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is an anxiety disorder caused by experiencing a single (or short lived) traumatic event (an accident, assault, medical emergency, fighting in a war, etc), where the symptoms last for longer than a month. Symptoms include things like reexperiencing the event (flashbacks), avoidance (of things related to the event), changes in mood (depression, anger, fear, etc), and issues with emotional regulation (hypervigilance–being constantly on the lookout for threats–irritability/angry outbursts, etc.).

Complex PTSD happens if someone has experienced long term, chronic/repeated trauma that induces hopelessness and no chance of escape (survivors of extended child abuse, human trafficking, domestic violence, prisoners of war, slavery, etc.). It’s also often interpersonal in ways a car crash or medical emergency is not, and is particularly linked with chronic trauma during childhood: chronic stress hormones introduce literal physical changes in a growing brain, particularly the amygdala (which processes fear), hippocampus (which is responsible for learning/memory), and the prefrontal cortex (which is responsible for executive function), so it can affect every aspect of life and also affect a child’s progression through developmental stages. In addition to these physical changes to the brain, the prolonged trauma–particularly the helplessness–distorts a child’s sense of self, the perpetrator, and the world in ways that alter their decision making, their memory, and their future relationships. 

For instance, whereas a traumatic event that caused PTSD might make you depressed or not trust the person who harmed you (or to fear driving), the trauma from cPTSD might make you suicidal, blame yourself for your victimization, decide to isolate to avoid interpersonal relationships to keep from getting hurt, or become obsessed with never being harmed again.

Basically, cPTSD has the core symptoms from PTSD with some extra challenges, including issues with emotional regulation, self-concept, interruptions in consciousness, difficulties with relationships, perceptions of the perpetrator, and systems of meaning.

DFS and LLH: CPTSD Symptoms

There’s so much more to say about this than I can cover in this superficial introduction, so this will be the first of a series of metas; I’m hoping to go into more depth about some of these categories in future posts (the DFS and emotional regulation/violence one is already drafted, so stay tuned). 

Difficulties with Relationships (problems with trust, communication, missing red flags): Both DFS and LLH have a history of trusting the wrong people and not trusting the right people, both in the past and in the present of the show: in the past, LLH missed the fact that SGD hated him and DFS missed the fact that JLQ was obsessed with him, and as a result, both sects were destroyed, many people died, and the two almost destroyed each other. If they had communicated with each other instead of fighting at the donghai battle, they might have realized they were being set up and could have worked together, but their difficulties with trust after perceived betrayal made that impossible for them. They both have a history of overlooking red flags in the present–DFS in particular, keeping the red-flag-personified-JLQ around despite her history of poisoning people, including himself–and they both tend to struggle with relationships in the present: LLH runs away from and/or drugs the people who care about him, and DFS sends endless mixed messages by not telling Li Lianhua most of his plans to help him. 

Self-Concept (Self-hatred and self-fragmentation): Li Lianhua is basically the poster child for having a negative self concept: he has an overdeveloped sense of self-blame and responsibility, even believing he deserves to die for leading his men to their deaths, and once he learns he was manipulated and SGD was behind it all, he seems to think it’s his own fault that he was manipulated, lied to, and abused. His self-loathing is so extreme that he imagines his earlier self, Li Xiangyi, to have died, and tries as much as possible to be nothing like that earlier persona. His repeated insistence that Li Xiangyi and Li Lianhua are NOT the same person is reminiscent of the fragmentary sense of self that comes with more extreme trauma, like Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) or Other-Specified Dissociative Disorder (OSDD), where traumatic experiences are so painful that people form different alters, or differentiated self-states, that can have different names and skills and memories and identities. 

Di Feisheng doesn’t have the self-hatred or guilt that LLH does, and it seems like he tries to skip over questions of self worth, blame, or hatred by focusing exclusively on staying true to his code of ethics he’s developed for himself and focusing on gaining the strength necessary to fight for his freedom from mind control and the Di Fortress. But even though he’s kept his Di name, kept his goals the same since escaping Di Fortress, and hasn’t tried to separate himself from his trauma the way LLH did with LXY, he’s even more willing than LLH to take on different identities: it’s literally one of his martial arts skills. The Bone Constriction Skill lets him become someone else for a time, whether that’s a child or Shi Hun. It fits well with his willingness to be whoever he needs to be to accomplish his goals: he’s perfectly willing to be seen as a heartless villain if it lets him protect LLH, and he’s willing to flirt with and pretend to be jealous of JLQ to get information from her, and he’s willing to be LLH’s a-Fei, both with and without his memories.

Interruptions in Consciousness (Amnesia and nightmares for Everyone): LLH and DFS both have nightmares and flashbacks/memories of traumatic events, and as mentioned above, both have interesting hints of having fragmented/fluid senses of self. They both also dissociate, or separate themselves from the present when dealing with traumatic things:  LLH spaces out and gets stuck in his past memories about SGD when talking to FDB after burying SGD, and DFS dissociates from physical pain so as not to make noise both after he’s been stabbed and poisoned with Wuxin Huai and again when JLQ is torturing him in her water dungeon.

They both also have dissociative amnesia that takes away trauma memories, although one is from a poisonous incense plus the magic of qi macgyvering:  LLH forgot the existence of his older brother who died in front of him, and DFS as a-Fei had just about all of his memories (except a few of killing as a child) taken away. Amnesia is a huge part of cPTSD, because it’s the brain’s way of trying to protect you from truths that you might not survive. It can manifest as blocking out one single traumatic event, a bunch of thematically or temporally linked traumatic events, a skill set related to the trauma, or, in the case of something like DID or OSDD, just about everything. It’s endlessly fascinating to me that the show gives us one example of definite traumatic amnesia through LLH, and then seems to almost transform the experience of having DID and being a new part and finding yourself with a new name and very little else into an exaggerated fantasy setting (interestingly, people often report experiencing debilitating headaches when they try to regain memories behind the amnesia barrier). I doubt this is what they were actually going for, since DID is almost universally portrayed incorrectly and offensively in media (one of the alters is almost always portrayed as a serial killer, but that’s a rant for another day), but the different names and the presence of amnesia with LLH made it a fascinating enough parallel that I had to mention it.

 Problems with Emotional Regulation (Lashing in vs. lashing out): Li Xiangyi and Di Feisheng are polar opposites when it comes to struggles with emotional regulation: whereas LXY turns his anger inward, directing it all toward self-hate in what’s often called a “toxic shame spiral,” both after the donghai battle and after he finds out about SGD’s role in his shifu’s death, DFS lashes out physically at those who have harmed him, usually via choking people, although he is usually exerting an impressive amount of control over his emotions and strength. To put in perspective just how different their emotional strategies are and how much effort DFS puts into emotional regulation, compare how much more calm he is than LLH during any revelation of past betrayal or painful information, any scene where they confront the people who have abused them, or any scene where they learn they’ve been wrong about something big; LLH is most likely having an emotional flashback (re-experiencing the emotions from the earlier traumas) and DFS is probably compartmentalizing them or dissociating from them to process later/never so he can stay semi-functional and not show a potential opponent a weak spot. 

NOTE: This means that DFS is loooong overdue for a very dramatic breakdown when it eventually all catches up to him and he can’t distract himself from it anymore.

Perceptions of Perpetrators: In this way only, Di Feisheng has one advantage: he knows the head of Di Fortress is a cruel, abusive tyrant. While he clearly still fears him, even as a physically strong adult (he has nightmares, flashbacks, and dedicates his life to being free from him, which means he still to some extent feels young, small, and helpless when he thinks of him), DFS knows that he hates him and wants to be free of him. This is probably part of why he’s spared some of the self-hatred LLH experiences: he knows he didn’t deserve the abuse because seeing it happen to other children means he knows the abuse wasn’t a personal reflection on him. It does, however, motivate him to want to be stronger and invulnerable so as to never be helpless again, and that obsession is what drives him to have a single-minded focus on reaching the pinnacle of the jianghu.  

It’s so much more complicated for Li Lianhua (and for a more detailed analysis, check out this meta): the childhood perpetrators were manifold–a slew of bandits, whichever children and adults on the street would abuse him for existing and being poor–it probably felt like life itself was to blame. It’s no wonder that when his shifu and shiniang took him in, they were the ultimate rescuers whom he hero-worshipped, so when he felt he made a mistake and his life fell apart, he blamed himself: at least there would be someone to blame that way and something he could do about it (try to kill his past self and hate everything about him). It’s also very telling that LLH doesn’t blame JLQ or YBQ all that much when he learns they poisoned him, and that he’s more angry that SGD murdered their shifu than he is that SGD set him up, hated him, and was the real mastermind behind everything he had blamed himself for; he struggles to stay angry at people who harm him, and would rather blame and hate himself for being tricked than hate the person who tricked him. So, whereas DFS tries to destroy the people who abused him, LLH tries to destroy himself.

If you read this far, thanks! I’m probably going to be posting the DFS and emotional regulation/violence against perpetrator meta next, because it’s drafted, but if there are any of these you desperately want me to talk about more sooner rather than later, let me know! :D 

[katnissdoesnotfollowback]

Do you think Peeta strangling Katniss affects their relationship in the growing back together phase? Most seem to think it would be Peeta getting reassurance and comfort from Katniss but I find that a little wrong since it was her getting strangled and with the neck covered in bruises

Why does it have to be either one or the other needing/getting reassurance and/or healing from the strangling?

By the end of Mockingjay, both Katniss and Peeta are dealing with complex ptsd, which means both of them have an assortment, a complicated mess of traumas they have to sort through during the grow back together phase. That’s why it’s essential that both of them work with Dr Aurelius. So I absolutely believe that it does impact their relationship, at least a little. But there’s A LOT that is going to affect their relationship during the grow back together phase. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just a fact of living with ptsd.

I agree with your hypothetical “most” that Peeta would absolutely feel guilt and responsibility over his trying to strangle Katniss. He put his hands on her and physically hurt her, left her marked and unable to speak for a significant amount of time. She needed to be hospitalized for her injuries. As a person with childhood abuse in his past, who we can readily assume wanted to break that cycle of violence, Peeta would be devastated to learn that he did that to Katniss. Just like he was devastated seeing himself throw Mitchell into the barbed net in the Capitol. Hijacked or not, he’s going to have to come to terms with the fact that he did it. He’s going to need reassurance from Katniss over it, and would have to learn to forgive himself as part of their growing back together phase.

As for Katniss… what I’ve seen argued is that she was more concerned with the verbal hurts Peeta inflicted upon her when he was recovering from the hijacking than she was with the physical ones… which I can see the case for this textually. She doesn’t fixate on the strangling itself but on the words he speaks and how she thinks he sees her, the “real” her in her self-loathing, after his hijacking. She almost acts like she deserved that violence against her body.

But here’s the thing. If we can assume that Peeta never wants to repeat the abuse his mother heaped on him by abusing those he loves… he’s going to feel like shit for the things he said to her in his pseudo hijacked phase as well. Peeta internalizes the things his mother said about him. She calls him a “stupid, worthless creature” in Katniss’s memory of the bread flashback. And in Catching Fire, Peeta lashes out at Katniss and Haymitch for keeping secrets from him by saying “Like I’m too stupid or inconsequential” to understand or deserve the truth…

Inconsequential is another way of saying worthless, my friend. He repeats what we know his mother has said about him. Because on some level, he believes that it’s true… symptom of trauma and abuse, my friend.

So of course, even if Katniss fixates only on the cruel things that hijacked Peeta says to her rather than the physical act of strangling her, there are still going to be a host of issues they have to deal with, and eventually, they’re going to have to deal with the strangulation aspect as well.

And Peeta’s no stranger to lashing out physically either. In addition to verbally lashing out, Peeta also physically breaks a lamp in that CF scene. Some people will argue that it’s a stretch, but it is still an indicator of his anger on occasion manifesting as physical ACTION. Lest we forget, he somehow kills Brutus in the Quell, and Brutus is billed as one of the stronger, more ruthless Victor Tributes in that arena. Oh and by the way, Beetee had Peeta’s knife at the lightning tree. So what in the fuck was Peeta armed with when he killed Brutus? His bare hands?!?!

Now, Katniss might not actively fixate on those things during Mockingjay, but I find it highly likely that she would flinch or visibly react to the possibility of physical violence when post MJ Peeta gets angry or distraught… because she knows what he’s capable of and knows that he’s lashed out physically before. And that is absolutely going to affect them both.

Do I think Peeta is abusive towards Katniss? No. Absolutely not. I don’t think that at all. But lemme give you a real life example.

I’m married to someone with ptsd. Some of that is a result of having physical violence inflicted on him personally. Some of it is just from witnessing violence and its results in real life. Some of it is from existing for long periods of time in a place where he was constantly in danger of dying. I have never physically hurt him. But one time, shortly after he came home, I playfully smacked his arm (not even all that hard, Anon) while we were hanging a picture on the wall, we were laughing and teasing each other… and he legit froze, completely tense, and whispered “Don’t… don’t do that again.” I had triggered a flashback.

So there is no doubt in my mind that at some point, Everlark has to deal with Peeta triggering a flashback in Katniss to the moment he tried to strangle her.

Conclusion: It’s both of them that will have to deal with it, will need to heal and need reassurance. I just think that it is going to take a lot of work for both of them to process, deal with, and overcome the verbal and physical violence in their pasts. I think really, the discussion you’re probably seeing right now is simply an acknowledgment that Peeta, as loving and soft as he can be, is also fully capable of violence, and he knows it, and he’s going to have to deal with it. He’s no cream puff. He’s got fire in him and is fully capable of biting back. But acknowledging what he has to deal with in terms of him almost strangling Katniss isn���t necessarily a dismissal of what Katniss will have to deal with alongside him. She’ll just be dealing with it from a different aspect and probably at a different pace.

❤️ kdnfb

[thegaybluejay]

Late night ramble because why not lmao.

As someone with PTSD, I loved the PTSD representation in The Legend of Korra!

First off, it is SO rare to get proper PTSD representation that isn’t a middle aged guy who is an army veteran/previous soldier/superhero (not that those sorts of characters are all poorly handled - I’m just trying to say that we need more than one singular type of PTSD representation). Part of what drew me to Korra in the first place was getting to see someone more like me who struggled with this!

And yes, Korra’s PTSD was made a bit more fantastical for younger audiences (like having a physical manifestation of her trauma follow her), but I do believe it was written very well! The meanings were all quite clear, and I personally saw a lot of similarities to my own PTSD in Korra’s struggles.

Anyway, all of this to say - I really appreciate LOK for offering this type of PTSD representation!! It was sorely needed and I really love Korra as a character!

[drawinglin]

Hello. Regarding Hellraiser III, I seem to recall you making a comment about how you believed Elliott and Unbound!Pinhead to be physical manifestations of Freud's model of the psyche - super-ego and id respectively. I am in total agreement with you there, and I have believed this same thing for a long time now. This would also make normal 'Bound' Pinhead that we meet in the first two films, and the films following Bloodline, to be the actual Ego itself. I think this makes the third film, and the characterisations so much more interesting, rather than doing what the early 90s HR comics did, which was to have Pinhead be an Aztec 'demon' who possesses Elliott, making them separate people altogether. That's boring and predictable, and just goes against everything that the movies established in the earlier films for Pinhead. By having Unbound and Elliott be one and the same, just different aspects of the same man, which is basically what HR is about - our deepest, darkest desires explored and enhanced, it builds on the HR mythology. This is why I've always loved HR3, and why I don't think it's a bad film, and why I just adore Unbound as a character. This is Pinhead off the leash. I still believe that Unbound would still be very fond of Kirsty, and still would be driven to protect her in some way. Even without his human side. But for the most part, he would be super eager to have her join him. Though he'd treat her much differently than he did the club patrons. I don't think the love/lust for Kirsty comes from just his human side. It comes from all of him.

Anyway, I thought I'd share my thoughts on the matter with you. I found this online regarding id, ego, super-ego, and it reminded me of the boys even more so. Maybe you could draw something out of this? It's an idea. I love your art. Keep up the good work! :)

Your analysis of Unbound and Elliot is exactly what I was thinking. It almost makes me cry. I’ve always found it hard to dislike HR3 for this reason. After watching the HR1 and HR2, I felt that human desires and darkness are what truly terrify us. So when I discovered that HR3 split the Hell Priest into two characters, I was super excited.

The human version of Elliot is relatively mature; after all, he carries the memories and burdens from his time as a human, as well as the PTSD of being a survivor of World War I. He is also someone who adheres strictly to rules. I guess this leadership quality and personality is what attracted Leviathan to him, eventually leading him to become the priest managing hell. In the moment of their separation, the repressed desires, dark sides, and nature of the human were individually extracted, like a newly born child without constraints. They both possess things that the other lacks. I’m really looking forward to their journey of hatred and self-destruction gradually turning into understanding, culminating in a new interpretation of a single person. It’s amazing! But unfortunately, HR3 didn’t delve into their complex psychological relationship in detail. This regret has made me want to doodle their story.

I was shocked to learn that the comic had mentioned the demon's setting before; I had no idea about that. Thank you for sharing! Like you, I’m more inclined towards the idea of the id and superego!

I agree that Elliot and Unbound have an obsession with Kirsty and surely hope that she would join their ranks as a Cenobite.

But to me,I tend to see their relationship as a complex ambiguity; I imagine it as a sense of distance rather than a romantic interaction. Their conflicts would actually bring them closer together.

For Kirsty, the Hell Priest undoubtedly intervened in her life and indirectly destroyed her family. Even if it started because of someone else’s involvement, he still cast a huge shadow over Kirsty. In their contract relationship, the Hell Priest has let her go multiple times, and Elliot himself has said that Kirsty is his friend. Therefore, I believe they share a relationship that is both contradictory and beautiful!

The existence of their relationship is so enchanting, which is probably why so many people like it!

And thank you for the pictures you provided. I love your thoughts every time you share them; they truly inspire me!🥰❤️ ❤️

[itgomyway]

why you already have your “desires” ♡

non dualism means there’s no duality in your world. theres no other force at play here. it is just you. everything that manifest into your reality is as real as you let it become. your fingernails being painted vs not painted is up to the observer; you.

you cannot keep letting your senses dictate what you have. not now not ever not even when it seems like they align exact with what you want. these senses are always misleading. i have money but its not physically touching my hand. does this mean i dont have it?

for example. more than half of you are manifesting a relationship (which is 100% OKAY. never let anybody make you feel bad for it). however, since you know about non dualism, you know that everything is consciousness meaning everything is you. this includes your sp.

when ppl say your relationship always reflects how you feel about yourself THIS IS TRUE because it is just you. everything is you. my boyfriend and how he treats me is a reflection of how i view myself. ill give you an example:

when i first met him i wanted someone who would always be there for me and always want to take care of me. and he showed me that. but due to my ptsd, i used to have episodes where id push him away and believe he didnt rlly like me or want me. we spoke less and he gave me my space and it used to upset me and id be confused until one day he did smth nice for me and when i said thank u he thanked me for “letting him love me”. this was months ago so i didnt think ab it much at the time but i literally was not letting him.

he had no choice but to follow my rules. he had no choice but to present the way i assumed he would and he directly told me this what does this have to do with non dualism? like i said, everything is me. theres no outside force doing something to me, it is just me.

and there is no separation involved. there’s no imagination that has to reflect to the real world theres no 3d conforming to the 4d and there. is. no. waiting. this has nothing to do with time. time is a concept the ego (you) created to better comprehend your senses (also you)

so when i tell u whatever u “desire” is yours, IS YOURS. the little voice in the back of your head telling you to think logical tell them to shut up because logic is another ego-centered term. the ego (who is you!) was created to protect your body. but you are not just your body.

you are pure consciousness. you are everything even what it is you desire. desiring doesnt exist when you are already everything you desire. you want that man? then hes yours babes. you want a fat paycheck? then its yours

“but i say that and then i check my bank account and-“ aht aht. what did i just tell you? stop leading your understanding with misleading senses. there is no separation from what you want and want you dont want because everything is inherently neutral in the first place.

theres no différence between the number in your bank account and the number “in your head”. the bank account and number arent even real in the first place so why do you care? be fucking free from anything you have once deemed “physical” therefore real. cuz none of it is babygirl

if you ever find yourself not believing bc you dont “see it” then remind yourself that you’re still looking at it from a point of duality which is wasting your time because you are one ☝️

© itgomyway

[neonscandal]

explain to me how bakugo is traumatized. the kid he grew up with was nice to him once and he immediately came to the conclusion that he should die. that's not trauma, that's being insane.

I'm going to start with the fact that, justifiably, there's never a reason to tell someone to kill themselves. Additionally, note that me saying Bakugo is traumatized does not mean that Midoriya is also not traumatized.

Regarding your question, the trauma that I mentioned on a recent ask, (I assume this one prompted your question) referenced the following:

Captured by the Slime Villain, effectively bound and suffocated in front of an audience (doesn't include the fall out after being someone who is publicly assaulted)

Muzzled, bound and robbed of autonomy in front of a national audience at the Sports Festival

Kidnapped and bound by the LOV (the forcible binding is recurrent through all the above)

Don't really have to go into the swath of issues he and Class 1A likely can and do develop from being child pawns in a war of adults but that can be applied as well re: survivor's guilt, PTSD, paranoia from the mole, etc. from the PLF arc and up until current manga events (I didn't feel like a spoiler warning).

Things that people don't tend to capture in the box of Bakugo's characterization:

He comes from a verbally and physically abusive household, demonstrably (you can jump down to the second paragraph of Bakugo's Strengths listed here for my thoughts on that impact)

Forced to defend himself against older kids from a young age and possibly on a recurring basis, as referenced in the above image. We could probably chalk the confrontation up to a consequence of his false overconfidence, sure. But does that justify 4th graders ganging up on what looks like a kindergartener/first grader?

As for Bakugo and Midoriya's relationship, we don't have much to go on. We know they were close and amicable as kids, things likely went to shit when Midoriya didn't develop a quirk, there's some beetle excursion in the woods that Bakugo refers back to a lot which is pending further context for readers/viewers, and then there's a fall in the river which really soured relations as Bakugo misinterpreted genuine kindness for condescension (see home life and such above). Again, none of this justifies the bullying we see at the start of the series or the way their interactions have shocking physical components. But what I do find interesting is that I've previously likened Bakugo's disposition to Endeavors but, in retrospect, I think he's a strong parallel for Dabi too.

Dabi's rage stems from being robbed of what he thinks is his inalienable birthright as the oldest son and heir to Endeavor's legacy. He disproportionately targets Shouto as the usurper of what is rightfully his. Dabi's claim, of course, makes more sense from a traditional and, probably, cultural standpoint. But the reason I mention it is that I don't think Bakugo was constantly telling Midoriya to take a swan dive off a roof. It doesn't forgive the bullying but it contextualizes why, that day, the bullying reached a new height when Midoriya was outed for still trying to get into UA. Bakugo saw this as an immediate threat to his position because, even though he didn't admit it at the time, if anyone could get into UA, quirkless or not, Bakugo knew Midoriya could.

Just as Midoriya has always seen Bakugo as being heroic and capable of being number 1, Midoriya proves time and time again that, even without a quirk, he's got the spirit of a hero and is successful in spaces where Bakugo is not. As the story progresses, we see evidence and the ultimate manifestation of Bakugo's remorse through his apology and other ways he's softened up. I'm not saying he wasn't a little shit but that's also not all he was (IDK if you've met kids but... without healthy socialization they can be little emotional terrorists). As things have unfolded, we see that, internally, Bakugo uses thoughts of Midoriya to galvanize his path forward and we've recently confirmed that when Bakugo spoke to Kirishima about strength... he was referring to Midoriya, you can scroll down to paragraphs around the last picture. I'm just gleeful about calling it. But, suffice it to say they've both been looking to one another this whole time.

There are still periphery pieces of their background missing because the story is largely from Midoriya's perspective. I don't think we'll get a comprehensive backstory but I think there will be some sort of meaningful explanation behind the beetle trip that may inform why Bakugo ultimately misinterpreted things so poorly at the river. I mean, maybe it's as simple as the fact that he couldn't fathom kindness because it's something not typically afforded to those who are perceived as strong. I don't know but I look forward to finding out.

[apollokids]

Thoughts about tsats, trauma, and the cocoa puffs

Nico’s personality in tsats feels most reminiscent of what he was like in The Titans Curse which (imo) is a sign that he is slowly healing and living with his trauma.

The Sun and the Star emphasizes that trauma and PTSD can make it feel like one’s past life events happened to a completely different person, and it mentions that Nico relates to this feeling. This distancing of oneself from past memories, experiences, and personality can result in feeling disconnected for a while, taking on new personality traits, feeling like a chameleon mimicking others, or just feeling empty.

For some people (maybe, depending on when trauma occurs), healing can be about reconnecting with our childhood selves. Depending on what someone was like before trauma, like maybe Nico for example, that can mean becoming more emotional, being more playful, indulging in your childhood interests (eg. mythomagic cards). And Nico’s progression practically mirrored mine exactly through the years, and the ways I changed in ED treatment.

It's hard to let go of a disorder when in some cases it feels like the only thing that’s stayed stable in our lives. Suffering is touted as the pinnacle of art-- we see its romanticization everywhere. It sounds weird to say that I miss being sick, or I miss my suffering, when I'm actively trying to make my life better, but those thoughts do come up. And when it comes to characters I project that misery on to? Well, if I’m suffering, then they have to suffer with me! (After all, they’re just characters, it’s not that deep, right?) Except I found that the more I made my characters suffer, and focused on the ‘beauty’ of suffering, the harder it was for me to heal from my own. Whenever my health was in decline, I characterized my favorite characters the same way. It was just as hard to allow those characters to heal as it was to allow myself to heal. (Other people might not feel the same, though.)

I think Nico choosing to accept the physical manifestations of his demons (while also setting them free, and allowing them to exist as they please) mirrors the suggestion I was given in treatment when I struggled with the idea of ‘giving up’ my eating disorder– because to me, it was always either defeat the disorder or be consumed by it, and defeating it sounded like killing a part of me or erasing a part of my past or my home. Approaching treatment from the standpoint of killing my eating disorder scared me too much. I knew my disorder had caused problems for me, but many of the habits and behaviors I’d developed had served as my coping mechanism and they helped me survive. 

So, my therapist told me: “You don’t have to shun your disorder, kill it, or say goodbye. Instead, you can acknowledge that it served a purpose during a point in your life in which you used it to survive, but you no longer need to hold on to it and that’s okay — you’re setting it free. Maybe even instead of saying goodbye, you can say ‘thank you, I’m alright now.’”

And that’s pretty much… exactly what Nico did with the demons. Bob, too, acknowledged that he was a titan, and that was part of his past, and that’s okay — but he’s allowed to change. And Nico is too.

I just found that really really wonderful because I related to it so heavily. He didn’t want to conquer his trauma in battle. He wanted it to just… be acknowledged, and set free. And it followed him, but he can have a better relationship with his past now. He’s not consumed by it. It’s just there, it’s a part of him, and he can continue to live his life. And I think reading this book (while trying to maintain and navigate post-treatment life) was exactly what I needed to remind myself why I’m doing this.